You Can’t Bribe a Baby

28 Oct

I’m always ready to cut a deal to avoid problems. Maybe it’s a guy thing. If I can’t talk my way out, my next move is to start negotiating. And if I’m really in a bad way, I’ll cut you a sweetheart deal. Just ask my wife.

But none of that works when the baby comes along. Suddenly, here’s a crisis creation machine, that like a Terminator, can’t be reasoned with, can’t be bargained with, and will never, ever stop. Just try–and I’ve done it, I assure you–to offer a baby candy to stop crying. Nothing. It’s like the baby doesn’t even know what I’m talking about. Same thing for cash–lots and lots of cash, as in I’ll give you $500 if you let Mommy and Daddy get just six straight hours of sleep tonight–which apparently carries no weight in babyland. Keep your money, old man. See you at 4 a.m.

They don’t want to drive the car, they don’t want potato chips, they don’t want toys, an iPhone, or a chance to watch Mad Men. They just want what they want: food, diaper change, attention. And when they want it, you can’t cut a deal. It’s deliver, or deal with the consequences.

Now I don’t want to spoil the ending or anything, but I understand–with girls at least–a lot of this equation changes down the line, and bribery comes back in a big way. I’ve just got to hold on. After all, during crying fits I’ve already promised her a car.


3 Responses to “You Can’t Bribe a Baby”

  1. melissa October 28, 2010 at 10:14 pm #

    You are awesome man! If I wasn’t already married I would definitely want to be married to an annoying guy like you. My husband might actually be more annoying. Lucky me 🙂

    • standupkid October 28, 2010 at 10:26 pm #

      What can I say? It’s a gift.

  2. Shelly October 29, 2010 at 10:21 am #

    LOVE IT!!!!
    and yes teenagers can be bribed… well kinda LOL.
    Mine will forever want something for nothing, or next to nothing. Then be all offended when she doesnt get what she wanted.

    “Clean the kitchen trisha, and I’ll drop you at the mall?”
    she wipes two dishes off, and then is angry when she doesnt get to go to the mall LOL

    My youngest is RARELY bribal. He has high fuctioning Autism. and when he wants something or has something in his head, theres NO diswading him at ALL lol

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